Disaster or Design

So, there's a pattern in my life that to most people, including myself, that makes my circumstances look like a complete train wreck. In these moments I try hard to not beat myself up or feel like a failure. These desperate times are usually the result of bad decisions made on my part and the circumstances are just simply the consequences of those decisions. Each time I would end up at my bottom I cry out to God for help. God always showed up and began to restore me rather quickly.  I could smile again, relationships would be restored and the desperate circumstance that got me to my low point would begin to fade. The pattern would show that as I got my life back I had less and less time for God.  So, recently I've come to that place again and God is restoring me slowly but surely.  God is using what looked like disaster to draw me close to him again. Is this God's will for my life? To be continued....

I recently returned from two weeks away at youth camps of a couple of different churches and it was awesome! The 1st church I actually led the music for the week and it was incredibly powerful to watch teens worship Jesus and get to know them and their stories. Jesus was the last thing I had on my mind at that age, (much props!) and I still find it a bit bizarre that a youth pastor would let me lead worship for their students but nevertheless ...

The second camp was one of those "out of the blue" opportunities that I knew was a God moment simply because I couldn't afford to go. My good friend Daniel at Knox Calvary Church called me and said "we have an exta seat that's already paid for if you would go with us to Daytona Beach for the "Big Stuf" camp". Three of my favorite pastors were speaking and although I was covered up with commitments, I knew I needed to go. I got much more than a free trip to the beach. I got a spiritual recharge and a very valuable lesson.Very simply,God revealed to me "you can't give what u ain't got". The people who know me know what a busy guy I am. I've always got 50 irons in the fire and I love it, I love to share with people, build people up, help people BUT I get so busy doing "good things" that I often don't do "the best thing"! the best thing being spending time reading thru God's word and praying and getting to know Him. If I say I have a relationship with anyone then I will be involved in their lives, spend time with them, right? Same is true with God, he designed us and knows we function best, if I live life without him as the principal source of input/advice then all my decisons are just guesswork. There are even Biblical accounts of Jesus making time to get awat and to be refueled. If he needed it, how much more do we? Make the time, it will make a difference!

A Change of Heart

It's been almost a year since I first "stepped out on faith" and left my full time day time job. My thoughts at the time were a bit mixed. I was definately ready to move on but quite unsure of what the future held. In my mind I secretly hoped it was God movingme into full time music, that was what I considered to be the desire of my heart. Overthe past year He has opened up many doors and created many opportunities for meto share music with all kinds of folks. Something has happened along the way thoughthat has shifted the focus of my hearts desire. I now desire relationship above everything else. Don't get me wrong, I still love music but I think it's just a different kind of love, a healthier, more balanced type. I desire relationships with people and many times over the past few years music has created a barrier for true relationships in my life. (If u have ever been to a DWB show, U know what I mean) I would probably go so far as to say it created a barrier between me and God. It was what I considered to be my connection to God but now, it's just a little different. In fact many of my favorite people in the world I spend the least amount of time with, my bandmates. Sure we hit the stage together most every weekend but during the week real life happens and I miss out on that more times than not. I feel a shift happening, a true heart change and I hope it doesn't stop. After all music was supposed to be a way I could connect with people and I pray that it's just that, a tool to connect me to real relationships with real people.....

Ministry: Too Busy for Jesus?

It’s been almost 1 year since I stepped out into full time music ministry, wow! where does the time go? I gotta say it looks nothing like I thought it would. In a years time I’ve gotten to be a part of some amazing events, meet some incredible people and see God move in unmistakable ways. As a custodian I had these dreams/preconceptions that full time music ministry was gonna be ideal for creativity and relationships. I thought with all the spare time I was gonna have I would "get some things done!" It’s been a learning process. I’ve learned that I can stay busy and busy is not always good nor do I think busy is necessarily what God intended. If it’s all about relationships then busy is the opposite of what I believe God wants. I’ve missed it a few times in the past year. Trading personal relationships for a full calendar and then feeling empty when it’s all said and done. Now that I’ve typed it out and come to that realization the time has come to do something about it. Busy in not good for relationships, especially the one with my heavenly father. I mean it’s almost ridiculous to read as I type and I think, "How did I miss it?" Think about that, how can someone set out into full time ministry and spend LESS time with the God they claim to serve? I can’t answer that question but I am guilty, guilty, guilty! I don’t know how it happens but all I can point to is a ridiculously full calendar of social events, meetings and gigs that have edged God out a little bit. I talked with a friend recently and he used a word that has echoed in my head over and over again, "Intentional". I hope it doesn’t get picked up by all the latest Christian speakers and shoved in the same sentence with committees, conversions, doctrine, corporate and all those other words that seem to have little to do with Jesus. Intentional, I have to clear out time, intentionally to spend with Jesus because full time Christian ministry has helped me push him to the side. I wanna encourage anyone today who might feel overwhelmed. Jesus said that HIS yoke is easy and HIS burden is light. I think I may have picked up the wrong yoke. Lord, HELP me!

To The Loud and Out of Tune Kid

Ok, so it’s been a while since I have updated this. I will try harder but I’ve been so freakin’ busy! I always tell everyone “I’m the busiest unemployed guy I know!” and it’s true. This spring has brought a number of welcomed changes and unexpected opportunities musically and otherwise. I’ve played a handful of solo-acoustic dates and these have helped to make ends meet financially but have definitely stretched me some musically. I am constantly having to learn new songs to keep it fresh. With a band I could get buy playing 15-20 songs in a 2 hour show but for a solo acoustic gig I have to at least double that, WHEW, that’s a lot of songs! I’m not complaining though because every time I dive into learning songs a creative period usually follows, I hope this is the case this time.
Since the last time I have updated I also have been learning to lead worship with all my friends at Knoxlife Church. It’s been an amazing journey thus far but at one point I almost let doubt talk me out of doing it. The truth is, I prayed about it, agonized about it, sought wise council(some wasn’t so wise) but ultimately I knew God had opened a door of opportunity and I wasn’t supposed to be the one to shut the door he opened. See, I’ve told friends for years that worship leading wasn’t for me or better termed it wasn’t something I felt called to. My short experience with leading worship for churches was frustrating because of a number of reasons but ultimately it was me listening to the wrong voices. The voices were telling me “no church in their right mind would have a person who sings in bars and clubs and performs at weddings, leading worship is for Holy People(whatever that means)” The voices also said “U don’t sound like Chris Tomlin” But here’s the deal I am in no way saying that God told me this but it’s a hunch, if u will. For years and years I have been mastering the art of performing using the natural ability God has given me to connect with people. I didn’t go to school for it, never read any books on it or took lessons and I’m not bragging but it’s just something I am good at. God gives us all things we are good at! Anywayz it occurred to me that if I had never played a tough room( and what I mean by tough room is playing to nobody or a room full of people with their arms crossed who in no way want u there) then I wouldn’t have been ready to lead worship. Geez, I know worship is not about performing but it’s like people are scared to let go and praise THE LIVING GOD because they are scared of what people will think if they do.
Kids have the best idea of praise of anyone I have ever seen. They don’t hold anything back, it doesn’t matter if they can sing or if they look silly, they just do it! I love the one kid who is always WAY louder than the other kids and REALLY out of key(y’all know who I’m talking about) Anywayz, back to my point, years of learning to engage people who would otherwise not want to be engaged prepared me for this phase of my journey. It has helped me develop thicker skin(notice I said thicker, I’m still a bit sensitive). All my experience including singing in bars and at weddings is being used for HIS purposes. I couldn’t have planned it, trained for it, listened to a podcast or whatever. Nothing could prepare me for this phase except God and he’s been doing it all along. He didn’t wait for me to “surrender to his call” to train me for it, He’s been training me all along so that when I finally began to see myself in the way that he sees me I would know it was Him all along! He says he will NEVER leave us or forsake us, hmmm. In any event I guess to sum all this up and encourage you that God has U in training for something he wants U to do. Even if U think u have landed in “your calling” he’s still at work, molding and shaping us all. He’s gonna use the sum of ALL of our experiences for HIS glory. As for me, I am gonna go back to the playground today and be the loudest out of tune kid there! U can join me if u want but I’ll be making a joyful noise anyhow!

The Cost of a Dream

I had a great conversation with a friend the other day. He’s "got it all together" at least from my perspective. He’s got a job that pays him really, really well. He’s got a 5 year plan and a retirement deal he’s paying in to, I’m sure. He’s got a really nice house that he keeps immaculate and a couple of brand new cars that he recently paid cash for. He and his wife are expecting their 1st child here in a couple of months and he’s nervously excited. It appears from my perspective that he’s got nothing to worry about. We went on a long walk in his neighborhood and talked about our lives and our talk probably shouldn’t have but it kind of shocked me. I began to share my concerns with him as I looked at my life and really didn’t have any "plans". I sheepishly shared my uncertainty about the future. I mean, I am not lazy but I don’t have any idea what I am gonna do about retirement, really don’t have much $$$ put away for emergencies. As a man, somehow, it has been instilled in me that I should care more about these things than I do. I shared with him that this possibly bothered me and he shared an eye opening statement with me. He said "at least you are living your dream, that’s priceless". He went on to talk about how he admired me for simply living my dream I got the sense that he would do that too, if he could. He said at least "you’re working for yourself, I am working so someone else can make lots of $$$." It appears that after speaking with him there’s a trade off for living your dream I suppose. I may never have a lot of $$$ in the bank, but then again I might. I might never own a home or be able to buy a new car or a retirement plan but I have a dream in my heart that I would not trade all of that for. Now, it would be nice to have both scenarios but in my present circumstances I have everything that I could ever need and many of the "wants" too! As I write this I feel "richer" already. I have to admit, I am in awe of my friends ability to dig in and work hard so he can provide for his family above and beyond the "call of duty". He is amazing guy but his encouragement made me want to hold tight to my dreams and not look back anymore. This is the path that God has put in my heart and He has been faithful to provide ALL of my needs. So I pray from this moment on I would not look back, not second guess and be content even overjoyed with the "wealth of a dream" that God breathed into me and has empowered me to live out. God forgive me for worrying and second guessing and wishing for something other than what you’ve given me cuz I know that worry will not add a minute to my life. Thank U Jesus, AMEN, YES!

Shooting for the moon?

Ok, so a new year is here! It’s 2009 and many people are making New Years resolutions. I don’t really have any "new years resolutions" per say but I have some goals I’d like to see accomplished in 2009. Of course these are all subject to change and I don’t want anything that The Lord doesn’t want for me. Nevertheless these are things in me that I am putting down as "goals" for 2009. I always heard that if U "aim for nothing, u will hit it every time". I have found that to be true in my own life. So take these for what they are worth and if U know me, ask me how they are going, share your own goals and if U dare, hold me accountable! I guess I have to separate them into 3 categories. Personal, Professional and Spiritual! They all kind of go together but somehow in my mind I’ve gotta write them down and separate them...more to come as I think of ‘em!

Personal Goals:
-spend more time hanging with my wife and friends(outside of music)
-drink more water(sounds like a good thing to do)
-eat CONSISTENTLY better(consistency is the key)
-continue working out (but not getting mad at myself when I can’t)
-run ½ marathon
-read(or listen to) 12 books. (1 per month sounds reasonable)
-write 3-5 songs a month( knowing that u can’t force creativity.)
-learn a new sport ( maybe swimming or raquetball)
-learn to enjoy "the little things"
-remember the glass is half full
-get a tattoo
-get more sleep
-not to obsess when I don’t meet my own expectations
-clean up my mouth

Professional:
-finish recording my project with Jesse Jones by March 31st
-collaborate and work on a new "Hip-Hop" worship project
-begin working on next DWB album
-learn to play drums and piano(better)
-learn to sequence
-open for a major artist on a major tour(Lincoln Brewster maybe?)
-learn more about "Leading Worship"

Spirtual:
-spend more time in prayer(as I am led)
-spend more time in the physical "Word"
-listen to or watch 3-5 podcasts per week of my favorite preachers/speakers
-learn to "Be Still" more
-learn to serve better(Water Angels, Karm, Ect.)
-learn to Love better(give and expect nothing)
-forgive myself and others(make amends where possible)
-TRUST God with financial matters