2190 Days Ago...

2190 Days ago my life was changed forever. It was November 13th of 2002 I had just gotten off a bus from New York City. See, I ended up in New York trying to change my surroundings. I thought that if i just got into a new city, especially a big one like New York, that "trouble" would be hard to find. It wasn't the 1st time I had tried to movearound to run from my troubles, but little did I know it would be my last. I guess I need 2 give u a little back story to help you understand just how drastically different my life is now that from just a few short years ago. I was an awkward teenage kid. I was short, didn't have much luck with the ladies and just had different tastes than most other kids my age. I hid it pretty well but I was probably the most insecure kid you have ever met. I lost my father when I was 7 years old and maybe that had something to do with it but the point of this is not to make excuses. Like most teenagers I was in search of my identity. I had constantly changing tastes in music and the things I liked most other kids didn't...it made me feel awkward. I would do anything for attention. I was a class clown of sorts. I really wasuncomfortable socially and felt the easiest way to be accepted was to make people laugh.I found out pretty quickly through hangin' with some older friends that alcohol really made social situations a little easier...alot easier for me. When I was drinkin' there was a whole new side of me that surfaced. It was a more confident and likeable, fun and seemingly secure kind of guy. Fast forward a few years. I'm at the University Of Tennessee taking classes at partying or maybe it was the other way around but I wascoming into what I thought was my identity finally. I had it all figured out..sorta.I had begun playing guitar in college and it became another social tool for me. If I was playing guitar, I was comfortable. After I had been playing a couple of years I was askedto form a band with some folks I met at the University of Tennessee. It was awesome.We were having the time of our lives. We were playing in front of everwidening audiencesand it seemed like the road to success and my identity had finally been carved out forme. Enter Cocaine.
The 1st time I ever tried cocaine, I was hooked. It made me feel on top of the world, itmade me feel invincible. I was talkative, confident and then 20 mins later, it wore off.I searched for years and years and went through many types of drugs to try to achieve that same feeling again but never foundit. At age 25 the Cocaine I thought I had, had me. I was a daily user and it allowed me to drink 10x as much alcohol as I had ever drank. It was awesome except, I coudn't quit, I couldn't pay for it and it was destroying my life and the peoples lives I came into contact with. The Bible says it like this..."the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy" and that's exactly what happened to me. After a few years of ending up in rehabs, detoxes and metal instituions I was at my very end. I wanted to die...even tried to a few times. I had lost everything I ever owned, destroyed any relationship to me that was important and I was so addicted to cocaine and alcohol that my life revolved around trying to get my next hit or drink. This was not how I envisioned my life turning out at 27.
I had few friends at the time who would still put up with me to some degree. One friend, Robby and his parents found me a place in the Knoxville Area Rescue Ministries men's recovery program. 2 days prior to that Robby invited me to come hear a motivational speaker at his church named Ken Freeman. I wasn't to keen on the ideaof church or God or Jesus or any of that. Quite the opposite. I had arrived at the conclusion that IF there even was a God that he was one screwed up dude who had me in some sort of sick cosmic game that He was resposible for. But Ken Freeman shared something I had never heard that night, at least not like this. He shared that God loved me and sent his son Jesus to die for me. He shared that a personal relationship with God could change my life as it had changed his. Our stories were eerily similar and Iwas sure Robby had set me up and told the speaker all my problems but it wasn't the case. Ken shared that God loved me enough to change me and that I didn't have to"get good" in order to have a relationship with him. I knew that my life was a wreck and I knew change would be a good thing. I was tired of doing things my way becausedoing things my way had led me to this point of desperation, hopelessness and miserythat i can't even begin to describe. I felt somehow as he spoke that maybe I had gone too far to even qualify for this relationship with God b/c I had done some pretty screwed up stuff...not the case. I was sitting on the back row of that church homeless, desperate, withdrawing from drugs and alcohol and God saved me. He didn'twait til I got cleaned up and had some sobriety behind me, he did it right then and there.The Bible says it like this.."that while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us." That night changed my life forever. It was November 13, 2002. I'd like to tell you that all at once i changed and "got better" but it's been a process for me. I haven't had anything to drink or drugs since then but I found out once I got sober I had a whole lot more problems that drinking and using. God has done an incredible work in changing me though. Some people might think that what I am talking about is behavioral modification but it's more than that. God is "renewing mymind" he's changing the way I think and thus the way I act. I am a far way from perfect.I still stumble all the time. God is good though, he forgives me, says "let's get back up and keep going!" He's restoring relationships that were seemingly beyond repair. He has blessed me with more than I could ever have asked or imagined. I guess it's happened "one day at a time" as we say in recovery but I don't think of it like that. I am not a prisoner to the obsession of drinking and using anymore. "Whom the son sets free is free indeed."
If there is one thing that I would love for you to take from all this rambling, it this. God doesn't need u 2 "clean up your act" in order to have a relationship with him. He will take care of all the messy work. All you have to do is come as you are..addictions, habits,hangups, lies, confusion, ect..come as you are. He has taken my life, one filled with all of these things and THEN some, and turned it into the abundant life he promised in his word. He was a perfect gentlemen and never forced himself into my life. He gave me 27 miserable years to show me that my way wouldn't work. 6 years later I have seen1st hand that his way works so much better. Don't believe me? Try it for yourself!